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For the week of 10 August 2008
The Eight-Year Kiss "Our first kiss was awful. Eight years later..."
Little White Lies "He doesn’t work full-time & lied about leaving college."
Weekend Break-Up "I didn’t want him to go on holiday so we broke up."
The Eight-Year Kiss
"Our first kiss was awful. Eight years later..."
Hi Q, I've been with a guy for eight years now and we're planning on getting married next year. We've been living together for a few years. The thing is that I don't “feel it” for him anymore. To be honest, the sex is rubbish. He has a very high sex drive but, while he's not a selfish lover, he just doesn't seem to be able to please me. It's more like he's trying to fix an engine than have sex. Our first kiss was awful but I liked him so much I just ignored it. I loved him so much when we first met that I was walking on air. Now I can't stand to kiss him. He really does try but he's very mechanical sexually. He's bought toys to try to please me, but no matter how many times I tell him what I like he just doesn't get it right. He's confronted me about my lack of libido before and I've told him I just don't have a very high sex drive, and maybe I don't. But upon saying that we do have sex about three times a week, not necessarily initiated by him so I do try. He told me he thinks that we should be having sex every day! I just feel like that he acts like it's his right. Don't get me wrong, he doesn't demand it, I just get that feeling. Even if he knows I'm not in the mood or I have my period he'll look for oral sex and I get so annoyed. I go along with it, but it should be something the two of us enjoy, not just him right? If he didn't ask then I know I'd willingly offer, it's just when he asks that I get annoyed. I'm beginning to thinks it's a problem with me and not him. It'll just end in an argument if I refuse. I was abused sexually when I was younger by a distant relation who used to make me masturbate him and I’m wondering has this affected me more than I thought. I've never told anybody this. I'd actually forgotten about it for years until I met him in the street one day and it suddenly came back to me - is that weird? I feel so trapped and the thought of spending the rest of my life afraid to hug him because he'll expect it to lead to something else terrifies me. And he tends to nag a lot too, about stupid things, which really gets on my nerves. He's very impatient and judgmental of people, which really bothers me as well, as I tend to give everyone a chance until I get to know them. It's a reflection of him as a person and it's not something I admire in him. To be totally honest, sometimes I just think he's a fool when he comes out with some statements and I rarely agree with anything he says (but I don't tell him, I just say nothing as if I disagree it'll end in another argument). And then to top it all off, I don't feel we have much in common anymore. He's a very happy-go-lucky guy and I'm very laid back as well -but he's always joking around. And I mean always! There's a time and a place to be serious and to be messing. He thinks he's being funny when he makes one of his smart comments, and he tells me to lighten up if I don't respond like he'd like me to and tells me I'm boring. I know I'm not boring but we just like different things. What the hell am I going to do? I'm so confused and I don't feel like “me” anymore. I just feel like my life is boring and unexciting and if I say I'm going to do something he just mocks me. I don't know if I love him. I think I do, but I feel if I leave him everyone will tell me I'm crazy as everyone thinks he's great. Do you think we can turn this around, and if I talk to him how do I do it without without hurting his pride? He's an extremely sensitive person, another thing that gets on my nerves as I'm always walking on egg shells around him. I come from a family that says how they feel (usually through the medium of shouting) and he comes from a family of overly-polite people who never argue or tell each other how they feel. I'd love to be able to turn the situation around but to be honest I fantasise about moving over to somewhere like LA and starting over again and having this fantastic amazing exciting life. How stupid is that? Dazed & Confused
Dear D&C, What you don’t want to happen is to be on the eve of your wedding night and to still have all of these concerns. When you moved on from your concerns about your sex life to his personality it didn’t entirely surprise me. These things are sometimes, though not always, connected. It sounds like you have spent eight years hoping, fighting and praying for chemistry, but it never really happened. Your first kiss is telling, though that’s not to say your first kiss dictates the rest of your sexual relationship. Still, it doesn’t sound like there has ever been fireworks here. In another situation what happened to you when you were younger probably wouldn’t play a part, but if you don’t feel like having sex, and that person is being pushy or annoying, it could play a role. That is, your boundaries have been crossed once in a serious way. This could be an echo of that. So where to from here? You’re in a rut. Everything has been chugging along for eight years in a no-so entirely satisfactory manner, though you have either not conveyed that to your boyfriend or he is too emotionally disconnected from the relationship to have received the message loud and clear. Nothing will be solved by you marrying. If anything, it will make it worse because those feelings you have of being trapped by his sexual demands and jack-acting/irritating personality will be multiplied by your legal entrapment. You will be creating a whole new set of problems. What I suggest is finding some way of taking some time apart to think things through and remove yourself from the fish bowl. Swim in different waters for a while and, if you feel the need, seek out a counselor to talk about what it is you want in life. LA sounds like an exciting place, but that won’t solve your problem. Gently put the breaks on your future plans, slow them down at least. But there’s no point in doing that without taking some action. Sometimes people who have had their boundaries trampled on when they were younger find it difficult to hear their own voice and act on it later in life. Start with: “We need to talk.” This should be one conversation that is not about blaming anyone. It is about what you both want from each other, how compatible you are as people, how happy you’ve been these last eight years, the fact that it would be a wise/prudent step to take a moment before making this momentous commitment. Back to top
Little White Lies
"He doesn’t work full-time & lied about leaving college."
Dear Q, I am turning 30 and have been with my boyfriend (aged 36) for three years. We get on well, love each other and are planning to move in together soon to an apartment my sister and I have bought. Throughout this relationship I go through phases where I really doubt whether I should settle down with this person or not. I am quite focused and self- and career-development is important to me. I work and study part-time and always try to broaden my horizons. This doesn't really translate into my boyfriend’s life; he has never really had a full-time job and is not financially secure. He is only really getting on his feet now has a few part time jobs on the go. This is a big step for him, and I know that I was instrumental in supporting him to get where he is today. He tried to go back to university during this time but really didn't like it. He ended up dropping out and kept it from me for six months. I don't trust him and sometimes can't believe it actually really happened. Aside from this I think we have an honest enough relationship, but it really hurts when I catch him out in the little white lies he tells. I think this can only be an indicator of our future together and of things to come. I don't want to be suspicious of him or be in a relationship that I don't think is equal. I feel it is all a bit one sided - I drive, he doesn't, I pay the mortgage, he pays some rent, I have a full time job, he works part time etc. I don't want to have the weight and financial responsibility of this relationship on my shoulders forever, I want to be able to rely on my partner now and again, but with him I don't think I will ever have that security. We have been apart a lot for the last few months and have only seen each other one night over the weekends as my work takes me away and any free time I get is spent on study. I really miss him during these times and am always so happy to see him again and spend time together. However our sex life has gone from bad to worse. I don't think I am physically attracted to him anymore but is this just a phase too? I don't know if I am just settling because it is easier than breaking up and having to start all over again? I am not sure if all of these things will just disappear as soon as we move in together or the whole thing will explode. I feel like I should give it a chance and see if we get on or else the last three years will just have been a big waste of time. Undecided
Dear Undecided, Similar to the previous letter, you are about to make a big decision based on a lot of uncertainty. Unless you are sure you want to move in together – especially into an apartment owned by you and your sister, which will just compound his dependency on you and delay his own financial independence – you should hold off. When you mentioned that he kept the fact that he dropped out of college from you for six whole months, my jaw dropped, when you then referred to his little white lies, alarm bells went off. (Actually, they were already ringing.) He may be the one for you and your sex life may have suffered because of the problems you have with him, but you need to stop being a facilitator and let him stand on his own two feet. His not telling you about dropping out of college further fuels my suspicion that with you he has entered into a kind of world of half-truths where he is cloistered from real responsibility. As for the three years being a waste? They are life experience. That is never a waste. What if, after six years, nothing has changed, you will be asking that question again. But there is no less/greater reason to stay with someone you don’t trust and who refuses to stand on his own two feet after six years as there is after three. He needs to be a man. Not a boy. Too many white lies add up to a dodgy future. Back to top
Weekend Break-Up
"I didn’t want him to go on holiday so we broke up."
Hi Q,My boyfriend and I broke up due to stress in the relationship. After three-and-a-half years he wanted to go on holidays with lads. I said, “No, that’s not fair,” and he resented me because of it. We broke up and I found out he went on holidays with the lads, now he's back and wants me back too. My heart is saying no way. Am I making a mistake by telling him where to go? Undecided
Dear Undecided, I’m not sure why it was you didn’t want him to go away with the lads after three-and-a-half years of a relationship. It’s important that you have the option to have time apart to spend with your own friends. If it was constant, and at the expense of a big holiday you’d planned together, fine, but if he has five weeks paid holidays a year from his job, it’s not like you must always take them together … or else. He’s worked hard for them. While there should be compromise and respect in a relationship, he deserves to spend those five weeks as he pleases. However, you refer to “stress” in the relationship, so my inkling is that this is the tip of the ice-berg. If by stress, you mean you constantly come up against these kind of issues, you need to talk about making your relationship more flexible, rather than defined by yes/no ultimatums, but also both having your say about what you think is fair. Back to top
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