For the week of 27 June 2010

View From A Broad "I booked a year overseas. My ex won't talk to me."
Down With Love "My ex tells me all about his exploits."

View From A Broad

"I booked a year overseas. My ex won't talk to me."

Dear Q,

I was going out with a guy for the past four years off and on, I recently booked my flights to go abroad for a year or so with friends, but I'm worried that I have made an awful mistake leaving behind my ex boyfriend as I can't seem to get over him and still care about him.

He doesn't want any contact with me and wants to move on with his life as he is angry with me for booking flights without him although we were broken up at that time.

He is my first love and part of me worries that I don't know what proper love is and maybe I'm just afraid to let go of him as he did mean a lot to me. I still see him on nights out and it kills me not being able to go up and talk to him. What should I do?

Queen Mary

Dear Mary,

Go. No-one is obliged to ask their ex-boyfriend to go away with them for a year with friends. How are you supposed to get over him with him hanging around? This is what is supposed to happen when you break up with someone. (See the problem below, for the very opposite issue to your problem...) It doesn't sound like he is upset because he wants you back. It seems to me he's upset because you can do stuff without him, plan a new life and be independent and show signs that you are moving on with your life. If I were a betting man, I'd say this was more about control and his own insecurity than love. You won't get over him by staying home to appease/please him or make yourself feel less guilty. If you stayed, you would have the same problems you had before, the reasons you broke up would still be there, only they would be compounded by feelings of resentment and, ''What if...''

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Down With Love

"My ex tells me all about his exploits."

Dear Q,

I'm a 24-year-old girl. My boyfriend broke up with me about eight months ago. We are still "friends". We talk most days and we meet up about once a week. He is off having a ball, being single, meeting all kind of girls and going on dates. (His reason for breaking up was that he wanted to be single, so that was to be expected.) The thing, is I have been on a total of one date with a guy I was set up with and that was months ago.

My confidence has never been that good. I tend to talk too much and make jokes in order to hide the fact that I really feel uncomfortable with myself.

For the past few months I have felt like a troll, I feel ugly and horrible and I feel annoying, I'm beginning to hate the sound of my own voice so I can only imagine what other people think of me. I try to keep going: I work out, I've taken up hobbies, I go out with my friends and I force myself to put on a smile, keep going, but I just can't get rid of that voice in my head that tells me I'm not good enough. I know you can't expect anyone else to love you until you love yourself but the problem is I don't love myself right now. I kind of hate myself and I don't know what to do to change that.

Hating Myself

Dear Loving Yourself,

First things first: the torture and self-flagellation have got to end. You need to do two things. Firstly, protect yourself by NOT meeting up with your ex-boyfriend once a week and talking with him on the phone all the time. This only prolongs the break-up. You need time to heal, get over him, feel strong and get him out of your system like a drug ... or a bad case of chicken pox. You cannot do this by listening to his stories about dating and what-not. Who's to say that they're true, by the way? Every relationship needs a black-out after it ends. Secondly, stop beating yourself up and ask yourself where that voice comes from, the one that does you down?

In life, there will be enough people who will do that for you ... if you let them, of course. But sometimes no-one is as cruel and unusual, as harsh a critic, as heartless and as tough a Mean Girl to us as we are to ourselves.

All of these little voices come from somewhere. What about yours? This is not something you can figure out overnight, and you may need help to re-build your self-confidence, but you can start by telling yourself out loud, ''Get off my back you Fugly Jiminy Cricket. Have you nothing better to do? You are an unreliable narrator.'' Then take your imaginary critter, squeeze him in the palm of your hand and stamp on him. That's what I'd do. Silly, I know. Do it at home in your living room. Do it on the bus. Try it in the supermarket. People might think you're crazy, but let them. You and me know the real story, and you might actually enjoy it.

While you're at it, try getting your groove back in relation to your ex-boyfriend along the lines of some private yelling therapy, "Who died and made you the Man From Milk Tray? And don't come running back to me when you find out that the World Don't Love You As Much As You Love Yourself!''

I say this, not so you can feel ill-will toward your ex, but so you can start to exorcise these insecurity demons that have tried to paralyse you; maybe a part of you doesn't want to move on, and you quietly getting some kickback from feeling afraid, or maybe not. The most important thing is, they haven't worked: you keep working out, you keep fighting back, you wrote in here, you keep on truckin' like the best of Belle Eire. You deserve a good relationship, not with a guy who breaks up with you to meet other women ... and then tells you about the other women he meets.

Your boyfriend breaking up with you did not confirm all of your worst fears about yourself. It feels like a personal rejection and, on one level, I can see why, but it is really only ever about him and how he feels about himself. Don't allow one know-it-all, be it an ex-boyfriend who has tickets on himself and doesn't seem to be sensitive to other people's feelings, or a little voice inside your head that was born in childhood and that can be stamped on like the faux Jiminy Cricket that he is. Sometimes you need to get angry, get a little mad at the world, if only for a while. Think of it as the revving sound that jump-starts your car. And, for what it's worth, I think you're top drawer and I have never even met you. And you know what? I bet all the people you have in your life do too.

WorldWeary.com is on hiatus for the Summer.

"Love In A Damp Climate: The Dating Game, Irish-Style" by Quentin Fottrell is published by Currach Press.

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