For the week of 07 March 2010

The Hangovers "My partner is a drinker. I leave, but always return."
Further & Further Away... "He sleeps all day & works or parties all night."
Valentine's Night Massacre "I stood her up on Valentine's. I want forgiveness."

The Hangovers

"My partner is a drinker. I leave, but always return."

I am in a relationship with a good man for the past three years. I've never felt such genuine love from anybody and I want to make a life with him but there are problems that I can't ignore.

I think that my partner is dependent on alcohol. I've always been concerned about the amount he drinks and we've had many rows about it. We went to a therapist for a while for communication and intimacy issues, and he admitted to having an alcohol dependency but then seemed to forget that he said that. He has tried to stop drinking for periods of time but can never last long and then goes into kind of denial about the whole thing as if I'm making it up.

We've had a few fairly vicious rows when he's come home drunk and I can't relax around him. I've walked out two or three times, but I've come back. I find it very difficult to come to terms with leaving him as I love him, and I hate the thoughts of being on my own again or throwing him away. I've felt very lonely in the past and fear feeling like that again.

I feel weak because I don't just leave and I get confused as to whether it's a real problem or not until I'm in the middle of a totally unreasonable row and thinking, 'This is wrong.'

Just last week my partner came home drunk during the week, and was ratty and snappy with me. The next day I confronted him and he agreed that he was unreasonable and then yesterday he did the very same thing. I feel like I've talked to him about this and he just doesn't take it on board. Do you think it is a good idea for me to contact Al-Anon?

Back and forth

Dear Back,

For you, yes. But that only begins to deal with the problem. He needs to go to Alcoholics Anonymous or some other programme that will help him give up the booze. The problem here is that the problem has been normalised and incorporated into the DNA of your relationship. You go to counselling, he admits he has a problem, he continues drinking, you begin fighting again--sometimes when he comes home drunk, which is never a good thing--you threaten to leave, you leave, you return, and the whole cycle begins all over again. This could go on for years. Until, that is, it takes such a hold over his physical and mental wellbeing that you are either forced to leave, or you are just so bet-down and ingrained in what becomes your new normality that you stay and try to manage an ever-worsening situation, or worse ... the relationship becomes physically abusive as well as emotionally abusive.

I have no doubt that you love him, but staying in this relationship because you don't want to be lonely again is not a good reason to stay. Fear of being single again could prevent you from making a sensible decision. You are looking at two unattractive alternatives--stay and be unhappy or go and be lonely--which I think is causing your inaction. That's not the reality. You need to deal with your demons in the same way he needs to deal with his. Many people have all kinds of addictions. Perhaps he is yours. Perhaps not. He can only get better if he wants to. Often, those suffering from alcoholism need to hit rock bottom before they recover. But rock bottom can be very different for different people. It could be waking up with another hangover and losing your self-respect, or it could be losing your front door keys, losing your driver's licence, losing your job ... or even losing the one you love.

Nothing is as it was supposed to be when you met. In five years or 10 years or 20 years, you may wish you had left now. And even when you do wish that for yourself in the future, you may not really mean it, because you couldn't imagine life any other way. If you take action to leave, as an act of love or an act of survival or both, you must mean it and you must be prepared to lose what you believe is most worth fighting for--the relationship. Admitting he has a problem is not enough. Clearly, his addiction to alcohol has as great a power over him--if not greater--since he made that admission during counselling. Somehow that admission de-commissioned the problem and turned it into something benign, rather than propelling you forward. The question is not only whether he can give this up for him (that has got to be the most important reason for doing it), for you, the question is also whether you can give him up if he continues to drink. And he does. Put it up to him again. Arrange an intervention with family and friends, if you can. But this is not only a choice about how he wishes to live his life. This is also a choice about how you wish to live yours.

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Further & Further Away...

"He sleeps all day & works or parties all night."

My boyfriend and I have been fighting constantly for the last few weeks. He works nights so sleeps all day, which I think is too much as he gets up for an hour or two to eat the dinner I cooked. He has the weekends off, but recently has been either going out and staying out all night or having his friends over to our house and staying up all night. He then sleeps all day Saturday and is back in work Sunday at 4pm, so we never spend any time together. I spoke to him on Thursday night about this and told him I felt lonely. He apologised and told me he would fix it, but then he went out Friday night and left me alone again and didn't come home till 6am. Please help me because I love him so much, but can't keep going like this.

Distraught

Dear Distraught,

Have you been fighting for the last few weeks about unreasonable behaviour that has been going on for the last few months ... or longer? If so, it looks like he has some serious problems being in the relationship that he is either unwilling or unable to face up to, so his behaviour is deteriorating to such an extent to force your hand and be the one to bring it up. It's not the fact that he works all night and sleeps all day, and goes out partying when he does have time off, it's why he's doing what he does. That is the question you must ask him. It is not an entirely uncommon way of triggering the end of a relationship, nor is it a very courageous one. If I'm right--and only you and he really know if I am--he will want you to be the one to pull the trigger. You may get an answer out of him, or he may apologise again, or merely shrug his shoulders and say he doesn't know why he is acting this way. Perhaps he feels things are moving too fast, or he has big commitment issues, or he wants out. Enough of the fights over him staying out late or sleeping all day. It's time to talk about why he is doing this, not at the time, or the next morning when you are both upset, but in the cold light of day. It is the best opportunity you have of getting an honest answer.

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Valentine's Night Massacre

"I stood her up on Valentine's. I want forgiveness."

Hi Q,

How can you show someone that you love that you are sorry and did not mean to hurt them? I was supposed to meet Sharon on Valentine's evening, but stood her up unintentionally as I was so looking forward to seeing her. I went out playing golf in the afternoon and then had a few drinks without thinking of how I was going to drive to meet her. She feels so let down by my actions and does not trust my commitment, and therefore does not want to see me again. I now realise that it was the biggest mistake of my life and miss her so much and want her back in my life. Any advice on how I can show her that I'm serious about her and want her in my life?

Regretful

Dear Regretful,

You stood her up? On Valentine's Day? Because you had too much to drink and forgot? Or was it because you had too much drink and then realised that you couldn't get a taxi or bus to where you were supposed to meet her, and your mobile phone fell down the loo so you couldn't call? I ask these questions not to make you feel worse, but to say the first thing you can do is come up with a reason that actually makes sense: to her AND to yourself. If you truly loved her, would you have forgotten? The hard, brutal fact of life is that we remember things that are important to us. Or, if we do screw up, and if that person is important to us, we do something about it. Do you usually drink too much? Is that the real problem here? Did you just leave her in the lurch because (a) you forgot, (b) it was too late once you realised you had your fourth pint of beer, (c) you didn't forget exactly, you just kind of told yourself you would be a little later, then a little later, or (d)? [insert another number lame excuse here]. My point is: if your reason for standing her up doesn't hold up, how is your apology supposed to?

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